The Thing You Do Anyway

Knowing It's going to hurt and a story I have been unwilling to tell.

What does it take to endure something painful to get relief? What does it take to knowingly do the thing that causes the pain to get relief?

I think I ask that question every night.

Let me explain.

Back in 1997-98, I had a series of trips to the urologist when I lived in Fort Worth, TX.

I can’t remember the dates, the months, or anything like that. It’s kind of a blur.

The urologist was a guy named Dr. Lamensdorf. Short, pudgy, German guy. He was a nice man, and he cared about me. But what he did to help me was excruciating.

And it’s something, to some degree, I still do today, myself.

I’ve written this in my head a hundred times. But I’m navigating myself through it right now.

You see, I have a condition called severe urethral stricture disorder. I have strictures — restricted pathways — in my urethra and through my urinary tract. It caused a lot of pain and straining when I went to the bathroom, and it caused me to have infections.

This time period I’m telling you about is about the middle of the story. Well, maybe the front side of the middle. It all started when I was 15 years old. That’s another story I will tell you on another day.

Back to our time frame, 97-98.

I went to see Dr. Lamensdorf and his prescription was to dilate my urethra, in the office.

(Think metal rods, graduated in size, clinical and cold — nothing like what you’d expect a doctor to use on one of the most sensitive parts of your body.)

He would put them in to “stretch” the urethra. He would use more than one at a time, which tells me — looking back — that he was using them at different sizes.

Of course it was painful. Extremely painful, and would leave blood.

That was what they did during that time period. At least for me.

One time another used an old school scope to view inside — looked more like a telescope than the nice rubber ones they have today.

Dr. Lamensdorf would use those to open up my urinary tract so that I could use the bathroom better and avoid having infections all the time.

Working on that part of your anatomy is extremely stressful. It’s one of the most sensitive areas physically, and it is also the most sensitive areas mentally and emotionally.

So each time, when the visit was through, my stress was through the roof.

Lucky for me there was a Braum’s Ice Cream across the street. I would visit that Braum’s to drown the emotion and anxiety of the trip.

It made me feel good, likely for a few minutes. I can’t say it did too much for my health. I don’t know.

But for me, at that time, it felt like a necessary part of the ritual.

Now, back to today.

I use a catheter almost every night to keep the urethra open. It’s painful most of the time, but not as painful as on those days at the doctor’s office. Oh, and its not as intimidating as those metal dilators!

I only execute once, and more times than not, there is no blood.

Sometimes if the inflammation is low, it isn’t that bad at all. Hard to believe, I know.

It is a necessary part of my life now. And I don’t get ice cream each time I do that. Although I might make myself some tea. Or take some Ibuprofen.

Is the pain of the process worth the relief on the other side? Yes.

Does that make it any easier? No.

There are many chapters to this story, this narrative. I told myself I would tell it one day. Starting is the hardest part.

In the past I’ve told it, but more of a big picture and vague. I know now that I have to tell smaller sections — not gloss over scenes like being on the table in the urologist’s office.

There are procedures, surgeries, that go along with it. I could probably do a chapter on each one.

Sometimes I talk about my health issues, but I tend to focus more on my diabetes or my sleep apnea, or the effects of my neck surgery. But the one thing in the middle that never goes away is my struggle with severe urethral stricture disease.

It is the constant. The one thing I wanted to go away more than anything else, and all that’s happened is I have learned how to manage it.

I don’t know. Maybe I answered this question for myself:

What does it take to endure something painful to get relief? What does it take to knowingly do the thing that causes the pain to get relief?